I Fired My Training Partner

Words can be brutal.

Especially the ones that fall into the category of

“You’re not good enough”.

“You screwed that up”.

When other people say brutal things that

disappoint me and question my abilities

most of the time I can use it as

fuel to feed my drive to succeed.

I want to prove them wrong.

However, when my self-talk is filled with

brutal words about my abilities,

my motivation, or even my form in a race –

What am I supposed to do with that?

How do I prove myself wrong?

My drive for perfection means

I am limping before I even get

dressed for the meet.

I sacrificed the win a week ago when I looked

in the mirror after an abysmal practice  

and saw only flaws and determined

I couldn’t win.

I wasn’t strong enough or fast enough.

The litany of cruel words

was on a loop in my head.

I can’t write out the words here –

the script is too heavy.

I was literally beating myself up

from the inside, out.

Defeated… before I hit the starting blocks.

I am bruised from this pursuit of perfection.

How do I prove myself wrong?

How do I get out from the clutches of

perfection and instead chase my best?

It begins with me.

It begins with reframing the way I see myself

and the way I talk to myself.

I have to give myself a chance.

A chance to run the way I am meant to,

the way I have trained to.

A chance to live up to my potential

and at the same time lead my heart well.

The desire to race begins with heart.

Training takes heart,

actually running the race takes heart

and so I must release this pursuit of perfection

so that my heart and my words

fuel my race instead of being

another thing to war against.

Perfection is no longer my training partner.

I am choosing a better way-

I want to be able to prove myself right –

I am strong.

I am capable.

I am prepared.

I will run this race well.